


Just To Be Seen By Your Eyes

by Talvenhenki



Category: Star Trek: Picard
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:22:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25998964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talvenhenki/pseuds/Talvenhenki
Summary: Waking up, Cristóbal can only remember that Agnes has died in the same manner as Vandermeer - only to find out that she hasn't.A culmination of traumas, or a turning point in one life.
Relationships: Agnes Jurati/Cristóbal Rios
Comments: 8
Kudos: 13





	Just To Be Seen By Your Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Another story inspired by a dream! Honestly, is anything in my life not inspired by them anymore?
> 
> Being in the same spot as Cris is not fun, especially if you spend weeks believing that person is gone.
> 
> Warnings: suicidal themes and a depiction of a very toxic and immature fight
> 
> Title from Saturn by Sleeping At Last

Cristóbal shot up. He felt cold sweat all over his body and, for a moment, he couldn’t tell where he was. He only knew one thing: Agnes was not in his quarters. At first, he thought that she was just spending time somewhere else, until it all hit him like a wave of nausea.

Agnes was dead.

Cristóbal’s heartbeat picked up speed, and so did his breathing. He tried to hold his breath, but it was no use. The panic already had a hold of him. Offhandedly he wondered why Emil wasn’t already in his quarters, nagging at him about lack of sleep and unhealthy habits such as smoking. Perhaps he should have lit one of his cigars just to piss off the poor hologram.

A hysterical laugh erupted from Cristóbal’s throat. There he was, trying to think of ways to annoy Emil while Agnes was dead, probably still preserved somewhere in the sickbay. They hadn’t had time to arrange for a funeral yet. Or had they? For some reason, Cristóbal’s memories of the whole ordeal were rather hazy. As he tried to think back to the events that had led to Agnes’ death, another memory hit him and almost turned his stomach over.

_“I don’t want to be here anymore. In space. I need you to send me back to Earth, Cris.”_

_A dismissive laugh. “Then why did you come here in the first place? Oh, right, that was because Commodore Oh invaded your little mind. Face it, Agnes, you’re no use to this crew. I’ll be happy to see you go.”_

_“That’s not fair, Cris. If you don’t have anything nice to say, just shut up and arrange for me to get on another ship. Maybe real Starfleet captains are nicer than you could ever hope to be.”_

_“‘Not fair’? You’re the one who tried to get us all killed with that little tracker of yours!”_

_“And you’re the first officer who got his captain killed! Don’t pretend to be all pure with that track record of yours.”_

_A hand – Cristóbal’s – grabbing Agnes’ chin. Cristóbal’s voice, soft and threatening. Venomous. “Now listen carefully, Doctor Jurati. I could have you arrested for killing Bruce Maddox aboard my vessel. It’s a shame that the Federation doesn’t practice the death penalty any longer. That would be a fitting end to someone like you.”_

_“Perhaps you’re right. But you should be the one to carry out the sentence and carry that burden to your grave.”_

_Agnes twisting herself free. Grabbing a phaser. A loud blast. Agnes’ dead body, the blood splattered all over a bulkhead._

Sliding down onto the floor, Cristóbal pressed his hands against his mouth as the bile rose up into his throat. The realisation that he’d killed Agnes as well was horrifying. He tried to gasp for air, but none of it was reaching his lungs.

Cristóbal opened his eyes, only to realise that he now lay on the floor. How had he ended up there? Had he passed out? It would make sense, considering the hysteria he’d felt a moment before. That he still felt. Oh, how he longed for a good and warm hug from Agnes.

Agnes. How would he live without her? Pushing himself on a sitting position, Cristóbal grabbed his padd and opened his log program.

“Captain’s log, stardate…I don’t even know. Stardate a lot. Agnes Jurati is dead. I’m still trying to get used to the idea of the ship – of _La Sirena_ – existing without Agnes. It hasn’t been long; there have been no funeral arrangements yet. Agnes…she killed herself in the same manner Captain Vandermeer did ten years ago on Starship _ibn Mājid_. I assume Steward will have already cleaned off the blood spatters and that Emil will have performed an autopsy.

“Truth to be told, I’m going to miss Agnes terribly. Without realising it, she’d become such an essential part of _La Sirena_ that I no longer can imagine the ship without her. The crew – I cannot even believe I _have_ a crew – had become something akin to a family, and now Agnes is lost for us forever. Lost because of a stupid fight that I started by acting horridly, like the immature shit I am! End log.”

Discarding the padd on the floor, Cristóbal leaned back, against his bed. Looking up at the ceiling, he slowly felt the emptiness filling him. Curious. He didn’t remember that one from the five stages of grief.

The lack of Emil’s presence was not overly concerning Cristóbal, but even at his state, he had to admit it was odd. Perhaps there was an emergency in the sickbay, or perhaps the hologram was avoiding Cristóbal for what he’d done. Cristóbal certainly knew he’d do the same if he were Emil.

The door slid open, and a familiar voice spoke. “Whoa, why is it so dark here? Lights! At…let’s say 50%. No, 67%! Much better. Thank you, computer dear.”

“ _You are welcome, Doctor Jurati_ ”, the computer answered.

Cristóbal found himself scrambling up and locking his eyes with the familiar blue of Agnes’. She smiled at him before she noticed how bad he looked, and her features were distorted by the frown of concern sweeping over her face.

“What’s going on?” she asked at the same moment as Cristóbal crossed the room to catch her into his arms. He shuddered as he felt her body against his. Warm. _Alive_.

“Cris, you’re scaring me”, Agnes said, trying to wriggle away from the hug. “What happened? Is something wrong?”

Cristóbal shuddered again, and a soft voice akin to a sob escaped the back of his throat. “You’re alive”, he breathed, pulling back just enough to kiss Agnes’ forehead. He then felt the familiar tingle behind his eyes and rapidly began blinking to stop the tears from forming.

“Of course I am”, Agnes said, finally able to pull away to look at Cristóbal’s face. When she saw the lost look on it, she sighed and cupped his cheek. “Cris? Can you tell me what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.”

“Thought you were – it must have been a nightmare – I saw you _die_ , Agnes”, Cristóbal whispered. And with that, the dam broke, and the tears started flowing freely.

A familiar fuzz of electricity sprung to life behind Cristóbal. “What is the nature of your – Oh dear”, the EMH said. About time he’d show up.

“Here, let’s get you back on the bed”, Agnes breathed. Together with Emil, she managed to guide Cristóbal to sit down safely on the bed, and Emil could begin scanning him. Cristóbal wouldn’t let go of Agnes’ hand, so she held his close to her cheek.

Emil was soon ready with his scan and by the looks of his expression, the results were not good. “Captain, your blood cortisol levels are well above the acceptable levels. I’ve detected similar cases already thrice this week alone. You can’t keep going on like this anymore.”

Cristóbal looked deep into Agnes’ eyes and saw that she shared the sentiment. The melancholy look in her eyes could never lie to Cristóbal.

“He’s right”, she breathed, moving a little closer to him. “You’ve been suffering for so long because of the past that never was your fault. You should finally let Emil help you.”

“Yes!” Emil echoed, “I’m begging you, Captain Rios, you need to let us help you. You need a medication and some sort of a therapy program for all the trauma you’ve been carrying for so long. Please. I can’t stand to look at you destroying yourself any longer.”

Looking at Agnes, Cristóbal mumbled, “would it help?”

“Yes”, Agnes said softly, “it will, eventually. At first it might feel odd, even a bit worse, as your body tries to get used to the medication, but eventually it’ll make you feel much better. You won’t be alone if you decide to go through with it. I’ll be here for you every step of the way.”

After a moment’s hesitation, Cristóbal nodded. Agnes let out a strangled laugh, throwing herself into Cristóbal’s arms, toppling him over in the process. Cristóbal closed his eyes against the new tears as Agnes kissed his cheek and pressed her forehead against his temple.

“I’ll be gone for a bit”, Emil said hurriedly, “but I’ll soon have the hypo ready for you. You’ll be getting better soon. I promise you, captain, you won’t regret this decision.”

As Emil’s projection dissolved and the tears began to fall, Agnes pressed another kiss to Cristóbal’s cheek. He would soon find himself on the road to recovery.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments spark joy!


End file.
